hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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