would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
