I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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