haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
