No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
