So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
