You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
