you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
