Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
