Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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