As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
