you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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