my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
