all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
