I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
