I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
