I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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