Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
