Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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