You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
