Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize