I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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