this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
