Duck Duck Cougar?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
