I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
