I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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