My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
