We're facebook friends in real life
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
