And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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