I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
