He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
