Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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