matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize