I faked an abortion last night.
I look better un-naked...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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