Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
