Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
