My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
