hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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