i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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