My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
