i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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