my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
