In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
