Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
