Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
