I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
