New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
