I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
