I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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