I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
