just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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