I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
