Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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