I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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