once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
