I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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