Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
