I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
